Why wait?

It's a shame that it takes someone to lose you to really value you. Especially when you put so much of yourself into that person, and they were reluctant to share their feelings with you is the reason you walked away.

So went my day today. Im not even going to name who im reffering to. But we met for lunch today because i went to see the doctor. He basically told me everything i wish i'd heard.... a year ago.

Too late, you think?

Actually, it was good to hear it. Even tho i've already moved on and have no intention of our relationship to EVER be what it was before.

I think he told me everything now more for his benefit than mine. Which is healthy. For the both of us. He can FULLY move on without these things on his chest, and i can move on without having to still wonder what was going thru his mine during the hard times.

Its a shame tho. Had he told me how he felt then, who knows where we'd be now?

I do believe everything happens for a reason.

He needs to grow more, and so do i.

Just another day.

♥

Been gone for a minute. Part 2

OK, now on to the juicy parts.

PD. *sigh* what a waste. Had all the looks and charm. He was perfect! But when it was time to put up or shut up, he could not keep up.

I hate when people make empty promises, and boy, did he make a lot of them. Not only that, he started to reveal a real selfish, spoiled side of him that i wasn't going to condone. He has a mother for that.

Anyhow, he called me one day, after weeks of 2 word BBMs all jolly and shit, and asked me if i was seeing anyone. So, me being the bitch i can be on certain days said "yes" (knowing damn well i wasn't) And he was like "oh okay cool, have you slept with him?"

*blink*

if i did or didn't, why should you care? You haven't paid me an iota of attention for over 3 months boo boo...

So i said "yes i did, and recently at that". he got real quiet on the phone and then was like "oh I'm about to get my hair cut, I'll call you back"

thank goodness i didn't hold my breath.

SO about 3 days after my surgery he BBMs me saying he hopes im ok and i told him i was fine. But he has this ANNOYING habit of asking a question and when you reciprocate, he never replies. After that day i had enough. I basically told him that if he wasn't man enough to handle what I'd told him or be civil enough to have an adult conversation with me than he needed not be on my BBM list. and with the swipe and click via my thumb he was deleted from my contact list and my life.

Now, on to #4

I'm in love.

there, i said it.

But the crazy thing is, i think he's starting to fall too.

Since Christmas things have been soooooo good. it doesn't even make sense.

You probably all think I'm crazy for even bothering with him.. but hes changed. A LOT.

Who am i to not except change? he's so much more compassionate, loving, i see him so often, I've met more of his friends.

we talk now. that's what was missing before. it was all action and no talk. He's finally decided to let me in, and tell me how he really feels. I've been able to get more out of him in the past 2 months than i have in the 2 years that I've known him.

I was talking to a friend of mine who does relationship counseling about my situation with him. Ans she told me something that made a lot of sense.

She said maybe things went sour in the beginning because you both didn't trust each other. Which is true. I didn't trust him because i doubted him from the start.. i had the mindset that wasnt good enough, he cheat, things like that. and he didn't trust me for his own reasons. And this wasnt unknown to us, we told each other that we didn't trust one another. We both came from shitty past relationship situations. But over time he's realized that I'm not there to trap him, or for his money or status. I like him for who he is.

He told me the other day that when he's me he's always comfortable, calm and content. And i know that's a rarity for him because of the life he lives.

Sometimes i even save conversations we have because i think to myself there's no way this is the same guy from last year.

I'm happy. And for what its worth, I'm not banking on a relationship with him. what happens happens.

I think that was MY problem before. i was so gung ho about being "attached". That was doing nothing but setting me up for failure from jump street.

Say what you want about it, judge me, blah blah etc etc.. Frankly it doesn't matter.

I live my life for my happiness first. Other peoples opinions don't matter to me anymore.

“Be Who You Are and Say What You Feel Because Those Who Mind Don't Matter and Those Who Matter Don't Mind.”

♥

are committed relationships dead?

What the hell does a woman have to do to find a man that

A) does not already have a relationship in progress

B) have baby mama drama

C) doesn't want to fuck every girl in the world?

I cant deal with men anymore. I'm like "okay, if i give so'n'so so much time then I'm bound to be in good, right?

NO.

Everybody wants SOMETHING. Whether its money, all sex and no commitment, to boss you around.,..SOMETHING. Like COME ON ALREADY.

I'm kinda over this whole cycle i find myself being constantly pulled into. I'm a good person. I try to stay clear of any type of drama. but for some reason these NIGGAS(yeah, i said it) keep finding me and try to dog me the FUCK out.

So you expect me to sleep with you, give you money, but we never do anything?

So you expect me to sleep with you, and when your "girl who's not really my girl but shes still my girl" is in town i just disappear like its nothing?

Do I Have some sort of sign on my damn forehead that attracts these assholes?

Its like i need to be the anti-Christ to get anywhere with these people. Im so over this whole relationship thing its not even funny

Things can go from sugar to shit in 0.05 seconds. And with that i am DONE.

Fallen...and i cant get up

*sigh* i think I'm falling in love with newbie. its CRAZY to me too. i cant even tell you WHEN it happened, but i know its happening. and at this point, i don't even want to fight it anymore. I mean, after everything i went thru with Loser i was like " oh hell no Lucifer will be the UPS delivery man before i get into anything with anyone" and now I'm like, head over heels in love with this guy.

I'm not gonna go say he "perfect, & everything i can ask for" because all that shit is for Brenda Jackson novels. We fight, he gets me upset and the works, but he's a man, that's his job . LOL. but at the end of the day, when I'm layin in my bed, and i think about him, he hits me up. Its like he knows, that when I'm with him, im content. All the drama and the stress is out the door. He makes me happy. When I'm with him, i feel sexy, i feel confident, i feel how a woman should feel when shes in a special situation with someone.

and i feel like he knows. i don't know if i should tell him straight out. but i KNOW he knows. He's even dropped the "L" word a few weeks ago and i kind of giggled it off.

Call me a fool, i don't care. You never know.

minor dilemma

Ok so newbie is back from his trip. and we've ironed out those few kinks *side eye* that we had last week.

His birthday is RAPIDLY approaching. and i dont have a CLUE what to get him. This will be my first time celebrating his birthday with him because last year i was out of comission due to my surgery. He has anything/everything he could want! and i dont want to get him some generic ass gift.. i mean this is a guy who weres Ferragamo shit on a rainy friggin day. *sigh*


I was just going to show up to his house in a trench and stilettos lol, but i could do that any day.

So, im open to suggestions as to what to get him for his birthday.



Please & Thanks.

10 things i believe i know about men.

ok so over the weekend i had time to think about ALL of the men in my life. and there are some things that they do or say that seem to just come natural to them. Here's my take on it...

10) Men sometimes lie because it’s easier than telling the truth.
This is pretty much self explainitory. The funny thing is, i can usually tell when their lying. but i never say anything. i prefer to let them believe they got away with it and then use it against them at a later date. (lol)


9) Men like to gossip just as much as women do.
ABSOLUTELY. Having Jack & Joe as friends ive seen this front han. They talk about everybody's situation, how they wouldve handled it, etc etc. like old women on a stoop its hilarious. and when you tell them they're gossiping they deny it.

8) Men are bad at remembering dates.
Unless it has something to do with them. My dad couldnt even remember my sisters birthday for cryin out loud.

7) Men are scared of the term forever.
The minute you say "we'll be togethere forever" he's already half way out of the door. The only time they seem to like it is during sex lol "this is yours forever!"

6) Men don’t want to admit it, but they need women in their lives.
The same go for women. Sometimes they hate the fact that the NEED us, but they do. And not even for major things. the little things, like giving him little massages, cooking for him, umm rockin the mic...it all matters to them as much as they try to deny it.

5) Men take sports seriously.
Conversations during game time is an absolute no-no. God forbid you tell him you want to go out during the playoffs. Yesterday i slept through a zilllion games because well. i couldnt deal with it lol. And lets not mention when i almost got body slammed out of excitement when the Giants won the superbowl.

4) Men can’t take hints.
Dont even bother droppng any. If you want to say something, s-p-e-l-l-i-t-o-u-t. Because more then likely they'll misconstrue your hint, and it will backfire on you.

3) Men are visual beings.
This is the reason they like porn, strip clubs, or just to see you do a lil sum'n sum'n freaky for them every now and then. A mans mind is a visual playground. If you talk dirty to your man on the phone, there is a guarantee he has his thoughts going south, because he can mentally picture you doing what you say youre doing.

2) Men care what others think of them, and even dress up for others.
Even though they may not say it, they are. Any male ive been acquainted with has been almost as much into fashion as me. Making sure their hair is always cut, nails are always clean. When they go out, they make sure their outfit is on point, cologne smelling good, everything. And trust me its well appreciated.

1) Men can’t help but check out other women.
And that is OK. shit, if she's fine, im looking too! Its a natural reaction for men.I dont understand why chics get so angry when their man takes a peek at another girl. HE'S WITH YOU!! let him look all he wants. Some of them even try to deny it which is funny cause at the end of the day he's giving you the goods, so obviously you have something he likes.

I DONT DATE.

So my homegirl Quana and i were talkin about dating and i was letting her know that im not a "dater" So she's like "ahh so what you do, talk and text, thats wack" I'm like "girl no, but the last date i went on set me off the dating track about 40 miles"

why dont you all be the judge..

Last September my friend Nya and i went to a club in Brooklyn. (mistake # 1. I never club in Brooklyn but i didnt feel like drivin into the city) So we're dancing, holdin up the bar, looking cute, you know, the usual. Her homeboy comes up to her and they're talking and stuff and I peep his friend is a lil cutie! He seems cool. So when the club lets out he asked for my number, and im like "ah what the hell his people kno my people so what the deal. (mistake #2. i never ever give out my number. i always take theirs. damn absolut had me makin bad decisions)

From the night i gave him my number, he called. I mean everyday. We talked about everything there was to talk about. Past relationships, our jobs...everything. All the bases were covered. Now, i wasnt looking for anything in particular, because this wasnt that long after Brandon's death. I just needed a little company.

After 2 weeks of convo he hits me up one sunday night and asks if i wanna go out to eat. I had already eaten so he was like "aight we can get drinks and chill, whatev." so im like cool. i told him where i lived and he came for me (mistake # 3. i NEVER let people come get me. i always drive to wherever we got to go for myself. but alternate side parkin rules caused me to slip up. F u Bloomberg.)

Anyway, he shows up in his nice lil whip and im like ok where we goin, he says "applebees" im like ok cool there's like 3 applebees in bk so i kno i wont be out any where too late, i had to work the next morning.

So, this mofo starts drivin..and he gets on the belt parkway, which is cool, except he was goin in the opposite direction of applebees in BK. this fool is makin his way towards Long Island. So im like "ok Courts, just see where he's going" he drives us alllll the way to the 5 towns Applebees, which is a good 45 minutes from my house. So im already annoyed(lol). We get in there and he's like " u drinkin?" and im like na i have to work int he mornin. He goes ahh u no fun have a drink.

this fool orders 4...yes FOUR top shelf Long Island Iced Teas. i hate those. so im like umm im not drinkin that. You know, he sat there and drank all 4 of them str8 like it was kool aid? so im like "fuck this nigga bout to be drunk and im all the way in fuckin LI with no car shiiiiittt"

so im like aight take me home, cuz i figure if i can get him to take me back to bk before that shit set in he can kill himself on his way home.

he's like aight cool but lemme run to my crib quick, i live around the block. So im like aight just make it quick. (mistake #4. i shouldve stayed in applesbees and called a cab) While he's doin whateva it is he's doin, i say i gotta use the restroom and call the Loser. He wasnt answerin. So i left him a message like call me ASAP.

I come out the bathroom, which is connected to his room. and tell me WHYYY this nigga standin there BUTT ASS NAKED. talkin bout "boo lets talk." Im too busy standing there laughin at his micro erection that i dont notice him comin up to me. SO im like "umm yea we need to dip" but he already tryna grab on me, all slurring and shit. Im gettin madder and madder and he's gettin rougher and rougher. Finally i had enough and puched him in his face. He slumped over, and threw up all over his bed, and then proceeded to pass out.

ALL im thinkin about is let me get the FUCK outta here. So im grabbin my purse and shit. And im so mad. i went lookin for his car keys cuz i was definitely gonna drive myself home and then proceed to set his car on FIRE. anyway while im tryna gather myself the loser calls and i tell him whats goin down. He's mad as HELL and he tells me to get outta of there ASAP. So i rush out of there and start walkin back to the best of my memory. Im good. until i realize i cant read the street signs. I left my fuckin glasses in this freak's bathroom!!! i was so angry omg omg
i walked a good 20 blocks before i found a cab service. it had to be about 2am by now.
so on the ride and im venting to the cab driver and he's like damn ma thats fucked up and shit. So $40 later he pulls up to my house like "so, whats good with that number"...

Anyway. i was so upset the next day i stayed home with loser. So the freak has the AUDACITY to call me on some "why did u leave last night ?"shit. i was like "___________" oh hell fucking no. SO i remain calm and cool and was like "yea u played yourself and i need my glasses" lol

SO Loser tells Jack & Joe, and them fools are ready to KILL this guy. So Me, Loser, Jack & Joe drive back up there..and im like "yo come outside and give me my glases" this nigga comes to the storm door, pushes the glasses thru the mail slot and slams the door shut.

Thats the last i ever saw or heard from him.

and this, boys and girls, i why I DONT DATE.

Dudes hate too,..

i bumped into the loser this weekend. so we're back on civil terms. DO NOT MISTAKE THIS FOR SCREWING...i said CIVIL. lol. i can have a moderate conversation with him without wanting to toss him or my blackberry out of a window.

Anywho, remember Jack & Joe? (see old posts) Well, i was twistin Jack's new growth and the loser came up. Idk WHY Jack & Joe ride the losers cock so damn hard. But they seem to think im makin a big mistake by starting somethin with my Newbie. They only saw him once, the day after christmas when i asked Joe to take me to get him since i didnt have my car.

Now, Newbie is very humble, down to earth. So he said whats up to them and talked to me the whole 5 minute ride, which is fine, cuz i hate a man who doesnt know how to shut the fuck up.

So last night, Jack is like " i dont like that dude (newbie)" and im like, why? he couldnt give me a straight answer. But im sre it has to do with the fact that i refused to ever give Jack access to my sin bin, and i let Newbie take a dip in it. (not that they kno that)

but ever since i started talkin to newbie jack & joe, who dont kno him from a glass of water, got shit to say. Askin me questions like "where he live?" "where he work?" Newbie has his own crib, and a great job. Joe is in the military and Jack is too tempermental to ever keep a freakin job....oh wait, he's an "artist" both live with mommy or fam. Now, dont get me wrong, i still chill @ home, but i dont say shit about the kinda chicks they go after...lol . Hate hate hate thats all i see and hear when they try to "compare" newbie to the loser.

whateveerrrr lolol

its about me now

lately I've been feeling so good about my decisions. altho right now the loser isn't speaking to me, I'm still happy. the old me would've been trying so hard to get him to talk to me, but i realize now that that was my big mistake. why should i kiss his ass when i know i was right for me? after all we've been thru, he's mad because i wont sleep with him. the man who claims to love me no matter what is actin like a bitch because he's not the center of my world anymore. Get over it. Its time to move on. you wanna ride the single train, so hop aboard the shit, don't hang from the railing.
Its not even a point of me talking to someone else now, because i am. and he makes me happy. I thought that the loser would appreciate getting his space, but it seems like he wants to eat the candy, and not get the cavities..nope, not on my watch. the old me, maybe. but over the last few months I've come to realize that i did all of my living for everyone else's happiness and not my own. and cant do that anymore. because if god is to snatch me from earth tonight i want to go knowing i lived as best i could for ME first, and everyone else second.

ima consider this my second coming.

Is this how it is?

So now that I'm back on my single grind, me and my "ex" had a discussion about how to date.

He was saying that he found it ok to talk to 5 different girls, with no intention to date any of them. This is how it went:

Me: "so, if you wanna start dating one of them, how do you let the others know?"
Him: "i don't."
Me: "you..don't.."
Him : "na, not if they don't ask"
Me: laughs " so, if she doesn't ask if you're talking to anyone you wont say anything? what girl is gonna ask u if u chillin with anyone if y'all were talkin and now ur dating?"
Him thinks "na, i don't mean it like that"
Me: "yea you do. and then you're gonna bitch and moan that she always questions you, yadda yadda... that's the worse way to go into a relationship"
Him: i know, but i wanna exercise all of my options before i make a commitment"
Me: "right..and how many successful relationships do you have under your belt?"


.....

Toes done up, with tha' fanga nails matchin...

So my homegirl & i were out shoppin for our Vegas trip the other day, and we stopped somewhere that was selling funky nail polish. I LOVE bright, odd colored polishes, its my trademark. So there I am, picking up yellow, orange..all sorts of shit and she was like "damn i wanna get some too but my man only likes french." I'm like so? its your hands and feet and you mean to tell me you deprive yourself of originality because he likes it? Don't get me wrong, i went thru the french pedi/mani phase for about 6 months, but i had to stop, cuz i was lookin like every other female. and i hate that lol.


**side note** Why don't women realize that pedicure maintenance is a YEAR round responsibility? like, you think u can go all winter with them feet that look like yams and then expect Ms. Chen to pull out a Black & Decker sander for them shits in June? c'mon lets keep it 100 girls..a pedi ain't but $15..shit ain't nobody gonna see them feet, but how many sheet sets are you willing to sacrifice with them cheese grater heels?

*back to topic*
I've always been curious to know what it is about French manis/pedis that make men go so wild. I know it looks real nice, sophisticated, but Ive gotten compliments on my unique polish choices as well. so i want to know what about it is such a big deal? lol put me on...

I give good head....

ok so after that off topic from yesterday's post i was having a convo with a good friend of mine about head...both male and female.

i enjoy giving head(lol) gasp! i do. no need for me to deny it. i do what i do cuz i like it. and im good at it. that doesn't make me a hoe. i don't give everybody head, just my man. i was in the nail salon and this girl was talking to her friend about it like she was talking about no getting a tax return. she was like she was mad her man brought it up after they been together so long, how he loves to go down on her but she refuses to return the favor. in my mind I'm like "she so selfish" cuz she made it seem like she didn't do it cuz she never did, not that she didn't like to. i hate people who shoot things down before giving it a go at least once.

giving good head obviously takes practice. i ain't a porn star so don't expect some super duper spectacular stuff, but i will do my best to make ya toes curl lolol.

on to another thing. is swallowing a big deal to men? i mean, i don't have a preference to swallow or not to swallow, but some men love it and others find it "hoe" like? is that because of how its portrayed in porn. how do you bring this up to know if its OK? do you go" hey boo ima suck ya dick, should i swallow, spit it out or let ya shoot ya load into the air?" lmao i don't know..somebody put me on..

"I used to be scared of the dick...now i throw lips at the shit...handle it like a real bitch.." -Lil' Kim

Light Skin Vs. Dark Skin...

As a "dark skin" female i sometimes have an issue with this topic. The other day i was in the nail salon and this fair skinned lady said to me "you're such a pretty dark skinned girl" i said thank you, but in the back of my mind I'm like, "what does that mean? she usually sees ugly dark skinned girls?" I'm not insecure about my looks at all. At a time i was. Most of my friends are lighter than i am. In high school they always seemed to get more male attention then i did, but that really didn't phase me in all honesty. Men always seem to want that light skin, light eyed, long haired chick. We see it in videos, in books, in movies, hear it in songs...But why? what is it about a "light skinned" chick that a dark skin woman can't offer? Last time i checked, i've seen just as many hideous light skinned women as dark skinned ones. I'm not a hater at all, i get plenty attention when i step out. I come from an extremely diverse family so my skin color was never a big deal growing up. I'm considered "exotic" i suppose *shrug* It just kind of bothers me to see light and dark skinned women sort of compete when they are out. And the men just eat it up. I guess some people just still have that house slave/ field slave mentality. I'll never get it...

From A Man's Point Of View...

OK, so i have these 2 guy friends who i can talk to about pretty much anything. So last night, while i was re twisting one's dreads, we got into a conversation about relationships. Jack & Joe (that's what we're gonna call em) were arguing about how they approach dating someone....who's already in a relationship.

Jack feels as tho that's an automatic plus. Because he feels that since shes already attached to someone, she wont be all up in his face all the time. "I love being the other man..its the prime position to be in" So I'm like "why?" and he's like "because that means I'm not entitled to do anything." So Joe's like "that's stupid, because if you ever get into a relationship with that girl you're not going to trust her because of how y'all got together"

Joe's more traditional. he feels that he needs to get a girl fair and square. "I don't want to have to compete for her attention," he said. "cause Karma is a bitch and you will never be happy because you will only get the shit you dish out. And what man in their right mind wont mind a cheater?"

So Jack, being a man, is like "i don't care. if my girl is going to cheat, she can cheat. I always tell the girls i date that she wont be the only one..." Me and Joe look at each other and laugh because Jack has been riding the single train to Georgia for months now.

Don't get me wrong. Both Jack and Joe are good peoples. But that's crazy how some men think..