How???

Lately, I've been asking myself a lot of questions that start with that very word. "HOW?"

How do you support someone you care about when they push you away at every open opportunity?

It IS hurtful when someone you love takes out their frustrations on you. Especially if you didn't do anything wrong, and all you want to do is be comforting.

As the type of person i am, i don't like to see the people i love and care about suffer. But at the same time, i cant just continue to be the doormat you rub your feet on after coming in from a storm.

When will people see that it's behavior like that that will push a good person away.. possibly forever?

I really wish the person that this was geared to could understand that their actions are slowly but surely making me want to X them out of my life forever..

Nothing i hate more than to be built up just to be let down.

♥

Why wait?

It's a shame that it takes someone to lose you to really value you. Especially when you put so much of yourself into that person, and they were reluctant to share their feelings with you is the reason you walked away.

So went my day today. Im not even going to name who im reffering to. But we met for lunch today because i went to see the doctor. He basically told me everything i wish i'd heard.... a year ago.

Too late, you think?

Actually, it was good to hear it. Even tho i've already moved on and have no intention of our relationship to EVER be what it was before.

I think he told me everything now more for his benefit than mine. Which is healthy. For the both of us. He can FULLY move on without these things on his chest, and i can move on without having to still wonder what was going thru his mine during the hard times.

Its a shame tho. Had he told me how he felt then, who knows where we'd be now?

I do believe everything happens for a reason.

He needs to grow more, and so do i.

Just another day.

♥

Been gone for a minute. Part 2

OK, now on to the juicy parts.

PD. *sigh* what a waste. Had all the looks and charm. He was perfect! But when it was time to put up or shut up, he could not keep up.

I hate when people make empty promises, and boy, did he make a lot of them. Not only that, he started to reveal a real selfish, spoiled side of him that i wasn't going to condone. He has a mother for that.

Anyhow, he called me one day, after weeks of 2 word BBMs all jolly and shit, and asked me if i was seeing anyone. So, me being the bitch i can be on certain days said "yes" (knowing damn well i wasn't) And he was like "oh okay cool, have you slept with him?"

*blink*

if i did or didn't, why should you care? You haven't paid me an iota of attention for over 3 months boo boo...

So i said "yes i did, and recently at that". he got real quiet on the phone and then was like "oh I'm about to get my hair cut, I'll call you back"

thank goodness i didn't hold my breath.

SO about 3 days after my surgery he BBMs me saying he hopes im ok and i told him i was fine. But he has this ANNOYING habit of asking a question and when you reciprocate, he never replies. After that day i had enough. I basically told him that if he wasn't man enough to handle what I'd told him or be civil enough to have an adult conversation with me than he needed not be on my BBM list. and with the swipe and click via my thumb he was deleted from my contact list and my life.

Now, on to #4

I'm in love.

there, i said it.

But the crazy thing is, i think he's starting to fall too.

Since Christmas things have been soooooo good. it doesn't even make sense.

You probably all think I'm crazy for even bothering with him.. but hes changed. A LOT.

Who am i to not except change? he's so much more compassionate, loving, i see him so often, I've met more of his friends.

we talk now. that's what was missing before. it was all action and no talk. He's finally decided to let me in, and tell me how he really feels. I've been able to get more out of him in the past 2 months than i have in the 2 years that I've known him.

I was talking to a friend of mine who does relationship counseling about my situation with him. Ans she told me something that made a lot of sense.

She said maybe things went sour in the beginning because you both didn't trust each other. Which is true. I didn't trust him because i doubted him from the start.. i had the mindset that wasnt good enough, he cheat, things like that. and he didn't trust me for his own reasons. And this wasnt unknown to us, we told each other that we didn't trust one another. We both came from shitty past relationship situations. But over time he's realized that I'm not there to trap him, or for his money or status. I like him for who he is.

He told me the other day that when he's me he's always comfortable, calm and content. And i know that's a rarity for him because of the life he lives.

Sometimes i even save conversations we have because i think to myself there's no way this is the same guy from last year.

I'm happy. And for what its worth, I'm not banking on a relationship with him. what happens happens.

I think that was MY problem before. i was so gung ho about being "attached". That was doing nothing but setting me up for failure from jump street.

Say what you want about it, judge me, blah blah etc etc.. Frankly it doesn't matter.

I live my life for my happiness first. Other peoples opinions don't matter to me anymore.

“Be Who You Are and Say What You Feel Because Those Who Mind Don't Matter and Those Who Matter Don't Mind.”

♥

A little update

OK so i know that I've been MIA for a while and i apologize dearly. Its just that I've been really really busy. But I've been around and I've kept saying that I'm going to blog. So I'll do it now while the office is quiet.

So far I've been recovering well from my surgeries. I've yet to make a follow up with my PS but i will in due time. I still get pains every now and then but i usually hot water treat them and I'm good to go. I'm not too fond of pills anymore lol.

I've been hitting the gym like a maniac. I'm talking 5 days a week, for about 3 hours a day. Yeah, I'm that determined to get not only my mid, but my body right as well.

Lets not forget about how IN LOVE i am. With Newbs(newbie's new name) Like i really love him. And he knows. And we're cool with that lol. I try to spend as much time with him as possible because I'm always busy and he's always busy, but i love the time we have together. no matter if its at 2am or 2 pm.

Loser is still around. that's still my BFF. no matter what. But lately our friendship has been a lil bleh. we still hang, but i feel like were getting distant. but at this point in my life i refuse to chase someone for any reason but my own happiness. and I'm happy. truly, genuinely happy with where i am right now.

On another note. Yesterday was the anniversary of Brandon's death. and i was such a zombie. i kept having dreams about the night i found out he died. so i tried to keep myself as busy as possible.

But back to the happy tunes: i cant believe the summer is over! I mean, i spent most of it sick and shut in, so i guess i couldnt of expected it to wait for me to get better lol. I did enjoy the time i did use recreationally tho.

Well, that i'l im going to blabber about for now...Until later everyone.

♥

Im BAAaaaAaAaCk!

whew enough of all these somber ass posts I'm back to being good ole C. A.

*waits for applause to end*

::side note:: every time i see the word applause i think apple sauce LOL


Anyways... Ive been recuperating from my surgery i had done 2 weeks ago. And boy did them drugs have me like one of my clients! lmao i was half sleep half slurring all over the damn place.

But the swelling is going down, and ive decided to step away from the Valium & percocets *temporary sad face* lol.

Everything on the other hand is going...aight.. me and the "boo" going thru a lil rough patch right now, but im willing to put in the effort to make it work. But if he acts up my ass is GONE. Its July. 'Tis the season to not being crying over no man. Its the season to get my sexy on. * looks down @ flat tummy with a SMILE* LOL


p.s omg i did my passport and that shit is so thick now you can slice bread with the damn pages LAWD. But my pic is rather ravishing.. compared to that horrid ass driver license pic im stil walkin around with lololol

ok im done chatting for now. ttyl. *besos*

How Do You Cope?

over the last month i haven't been able to get Brandon off of my mind. For those of you know don't know who Brandon is, he's my ex. Brandon was murdered on the morning of August 30th, 2008.

it has been tough. i knew him since we were in pre-school. he was such a cute kid. over the years, we would always kind of bump into each other. After high school he approached me on a dating level and i was like, naaa i cant date u (lol) but after i lost contact with newbie in 08, i was like let me give it a try.

we spent almost everyday of last summer together. when i tell u everyday i mean every damn day! he was there for me after i had my surgery. but once i got back on my feet again, we decided a relationship wouldn't work, because or schedules were like night and day.

i still remember our last phone convo. I was in VA beach and he called me.

"babe, where are you?"

me: "I'm in VA beach, why? whats up?"

" ah damn i was gonna come check you..when do you get back?"

me; "Monday, ima link up with you i PROMISE."

"aight then, hit me when u get back."

I got home and it was a crazy week. Wednesday i called him, but he was in Soho, so he text me and said "if i don't see u later I'll see u this weekend" (it was labor day weekend, and i was playing mass on the parkway)

this was the last i heard from him.

i hit him up Saturday night, but he never answered.

Sunday night i learned that he was murdered. 5 blocks from my house, the previous Friday/Saturday @ 1 am. 10 minutes before i walked thru my front door.

the hardest thing i ever had to do was go into his house after he was gone. i could smell him, FEEL him. His funeral took alot out of me. I didn't have the heart to go to the cemetery.

And to this day, since that day in September, i haven't had the heart to call, or go to his house. Every time i try, i get cold feet. And that upsets me. Because i want to reach out to his fam. But his father is HIM its like lookin at what he would've been.

I bought his mom a really beautiful card months ago. but i haven't had the heart to drop it off...let alone mail it. Maybe i'll do that this weekend. As a birthday gift to him.

May 23rd would've been his birthday. Happy Birthday Brandon. I miss you.