How Do You Cope?

over the last month i haven't been able to get Brandon off of my mind. For those of you know don't know who Brandon is, he's my ex. Brandon was murdered on the morning of August 30th, 2008.

it has been tough. i knew him since we were in pre-school. he was such a cute kid. over the years, we would always kind of bump into each other. After high school he approached me on a dating level and i was like, naaa i cant date u (lol) but after i lost contact with newbie in 08, i was like let me give it a try.

we spent almost everyday of last summer together. when i tell u everyday i mean every damn day! he was there for me after i had my surgery. but once i got back on my feet again, we decided a relationship wouldn't work, because or schedules were like night and day.

i still remember our last phone convo. I was in VA beach and he called me.

"babe, where are you?"

me: "I'm in VA beach, why? whats up?"

" ah damn i was gonna come check you..when do you get back?"

me; "Monday, ima link up with you i PROMISE."

"aight then, hit me when u get back."

I got home and it was a crazy week. Wednesday i called him, but he was in Soho, so he text me and said "if i don't see u later I'll see u this weekend" (it was labor day weekend, and i was playing mass on the parkway)

this was the last i heard from him.

i hit him up Saturday night, but he never answered.

Sunday night i learned that he was murdered. 5 blocks from my house, the previous Friday/Saturday @ 1 am. 10 minutes before i walked thru my front door.

the hardest thing i ever had to do was go into his house after he was gone. i could smell him, FEEL him. His funeral took alot out of me. I didn't have the heart to go to the cemetery.

And to this day, since that day in September, i haven't had the heart to call, or go to his house. Every time i try, i get cold feet. And that upsets me. Because i want to reach out to his fam. But his father is HIM its like lookin at what he would've been.

I bought his mom a really beautiful card months ago. but i haven't had the heart to drop it off...let alone mail it. Maybe i'll do that this weekend. As a birthday gift to him.

May 23rd would've been his birthday. Happy Birthday Brandon. I miss you.

How I Feel....

I'm not really one to express myself openly, but i've been thru alot in the past couple of weeks, so the mind has been flowing...And I need to get some this out of my head..


Patience wearing thin
Don’t got the time to listen
You call it giving in
I say you’re not forgiven
Cuz time & time again
I’ve seen you wandering
Your seat is frozen
Consider the position open
Call it what you want
I’m hoping you get the picture
There’s no one else at fault
Take the blame, its quicker
No need to deny it
The facts told on you themselves
Thought you would’ve been smarter
Guess that’s credit you can’t get
Consider yourself denied
Love balance is outstanding
You know you messed up, right?
Really hope it was worth it
Was it the best investment of your life?
But now you’ve gone bankrupt
No need to fight it, just resign
Be a man about it
Take it in stride
Consider this one of the biggest mistakes
You’ve ever made in your life