Thursday, May 21, 2009

How Do You Cope?

over the last month i haven't been able to get Brandon off of my mind. For those of you know don't know who Brandon is, he's my ex. Brandon was murdered on the morning of August 30th, 2008.

it has been tough. i knew him since we were in pre-school. he was such a cute kid. over the years, we would always kind of bump into each other. After high school he approached me on a dating level and i was like, naaa i cant date u (lol) but after i lost contact with newbie in 08, i was like let me give it a try.

we spent almost everyday of last summer together. when i tell u everyday i mean every damn day! he was there for me after i had my surgery. but once i got back on my feet again, we decided a relationship wouldn't work, because or schedules were like night and day.

i still remember our last phone convo. I was in VA beach and he called me.

"babe, where are you?"

me: "I'm in VA beach, why? whats up?"

" ah damn i was gonna come check you..when do you get back?"

me; "Monday, ima link up with you i PROMISE."

"aight then, hit me when u get back."

I got home and it was a crazy week. Wednesday i called him, but he was in Soho, so he text me and said "if i don't see u later I'll see u this weekend" (it was labor day weekend, and i was playing mass on the parkway)

this was the last i heard from him.

i hit him up Saturday night, but he never answered.

Sunday night i learned that he was murdered. 5 blocks from my house, the previous Friday/Saturday @ 1 am. 10 minutes before i walked thru my front door.

the hardest thing i ever had to do was go into his house after he was gone. i could smell him, FEEL him. His funeral took alot out of me. I didn't have the heart to go to the cemetery.

And to this day, since that day in September, i haven't had the heart to call, or go to his house. Every time i try, i get cold feet. And that upsets me. Because i want to reach out to his fam. But his father is HIM its like lookin at what he would've been.

I bought his mom a really beautiful card months ago. but i haven't had the heart to drop it off...let alone mail it. Maybe i'll do that this weekend. As a birthday gift to him.

May 23rd would've been his birthday. Happy Birthday Brandon. I miss you.


Sadiqua P said...

I'm sorry to hear the actual story, Lex...i know he had passed but didnt know how ((hugs))

you know, for years i had been paranoind about losing someone. i am a naturally sensitive person and i just knew that losing someone would completely devastate me. i couldnt imagine losing someone and not being ready to die myself...when i found out my grandma was dying early 2008, i knew i had to take the time i had left with her and use it wisely. I am the type of person who will literally avoid the situation if i think a person is near death, but i couldnt do it with her. everyday i went over with lunch, or giving my aunt a break to do some things, and i would just sit and look at her and talk to her, because i knew that everyday i left might be the very last time i laid eyes on her. I did right by her up til the very end, and i remember walking out the house a few days before she died and i asked her if she was going to watch the fireworks or go partying on the 4th of July. She laughed and told me no, and i looked at her and said "ok grandma, take care!" and left. she died the 9th of July. i never told her goodbye because i know i will see her this day, i cant go in that house....i went in that house every week of my life for 27 years and i just cant do it. if i walk in there and see she isnt sitting in her chair in the corner watching Paula Deen on tv, or in the kitchen in her housedress making dinner or cookies, even just smell her... i know its going to be like losing her all over again.

that said, it has been a hard year. and everytime i think it gets better or a little easier, something happens that takes me back to the beginning. i hope that eventually it will fade to where it wont hurt so bad...and i hope the same for you! the only thing we can do is repay the legacy that these people left, is to keep living life the way they did...