Monday, April 6, 2009


So my homegirl Quana and i were talkin about dating and i was letting her know that im not a "dater" So she's like "ahh so what you do, talk and text, thats wack" I'm like "girl no, but the last date i went on set me off the dating track about 40 miles"

why dont you all be the judge..

Last September my friend Nya and i went to a club in Brooklyn. (mistake # 1. I never club in Brooklyn but i didnt feel like drivin into the city) So we're dancing, holdin up the bar, looking cute, you know, the usual. Her homeboy comes up to her and they're talking and stuff and I peep his friend is a lil cutie! He seems cool. So when the club lets out he asked for my number, and im like "ah what the hell his people kno my people so what the deal. (mistake #2. i never ever give out my number. i always take theirs. damn absolut had me makin bad decisions)

From the night i gave him my number, he called. I mean everyday. We talked about everything there was to talk about. Past relationships, our jobs...everything. All the bases were covered. Now, i wasnt looking for anything in particular, because this wasnt that long after Brandon's death. I just needed a little company.

After 2 weeks of convo he hits me up one sunday night and asks if i wanna go out to eat. I had already eaten so he was like "aight we can get drinks and chill, whatev." so im like cool. i told him where i lived and he came for me (mistake # 3. i NEVER let people come get me. i always drive to wherever we got to go for myself. but alternate side parkin rules caused me to slip up. F u Bloomberg.)

Anyway, he shows up in his nice lil whip and im like ok where we goin, he says "applebees" im like ok cool there's like 3 applebees in bk so i kno i wont be out any where too late, i had to work the next morning.

So, this mofo starts drivin..and he gets on the belt parkway, which is cool, except he was goin in the opposite direction of applebees in BK. this fool is makin his way towards Long Island. So im like "ok Courts, just see where he's going" he drives us alllll the way to the 5 towns Applebees, which is a good 45 minutes from my house. So im already annoyed(lol). We get in there and he's like " u drinkin?" and im like na i have to work int he mornin. He goes ahh u no fun have a drink.

this fool orders 4...yes FOUR top shelf Long Island Iced Teas. i hate those. so im like umm im not drinkin that. You know, he sat there and drank all 4 of them str8 like it was kool aid? so im like "fuck this nigga bout to be drunk and im all the way in fuckin LI with no car shiiiiittt"

so im like aight take me home, cuz i figure if i can get him to take me back to bk before that shit set in he can kill himself on his way home.

he's like aight cool but lemme run to my crib quick, i live around the block. So im like aight just make it quick. (mistake #4. i shouldve stayed in applesbees and called a cab) While he's doin whateva it is he's doin, i say i gotta use the restroom and call the Loser. He wasnt answerin. So i left him a message like call me ASAP.

I come out the bathroom, which is connected to his room. and tell me WHYYY this nigga standin there BUTT ASS NAKED. talkin bout "boo lets talk." Im too busy standing there laughin at his micro erection that i dont notice him comin up to me. SO im like "umm yea we need to dip" but he already tryna grab on me, all slurring and shit. Im gettin madder and madder and he's gettin rougher and rougher. Finally i had enough and puched him in his face. He slumped over, and threw up all over his bed, and then proceeded to pass out.

ALL im thinkin about is let me get the FUCK outta here. So im grabbin my purse and shit. And im so mad. i went lookin for his car keys cuz i was definitely gonna drive myself home and then proceed to set his car on FIRE. anyway while im tryna gather myself the loser calls and i tell him whats goin down. He's mad as HELL and he tells me to get outta of there ASAP. So i rush out of there and start walkin back to the best of my memory. Im good. until i realize i cant read the street signs. I left my fuckin glasses in this freak's bathroom!!! i was so angry omg omg
i walked a good 20 blocks before i found a cab service. it had to be about 2am by now.
so on the ride and im venting to the cab driver and he's like damn ma thats fucked up and shit. So $40 later he pulls up to my house like "so, whats good with that number"...

Anyway. i was so upset the next day i stayed home with loser. So the freak has the AUDACITY to call me on some "why did u leave last night ?"shit. i was like "___________" oh hell fucking no. SO i remain calm and cool and was like "yea u played yourself and i need my glasses" lol

SO Loser tells Jack & Joe, and them fools are ready to KILL this guy. So Me, Loser, Jack & Joe drive back up there..and im like "yo come outside and give me my glases" this nigga comes to the storm door, pushes the glasses thru the mail slot and slams the door shut.

Thats the last i ever saw or heard from him.

and this, boys and girls, i why I DONT DATE.


city said...

damn lol, that's an interesting story. Just give me a call, and I'll make a trip.

city said...

on another note, wouldn't have happened, if it was me......just saying

reedwrites said...

Damn! that's messed up. Somebody would've had to die!

Seriously though, I think we all go through that bad date scenario...once. You're gonna make me dig in the date crates and post up one of my bad date horror stories.

C. Alexis said...

lol @ reed..its a damn shame..

he's lucky my last name isnt Bobbit..

Acolyte said...

Damn that was hilarious and then some! I guess not following your own rules came back to bite you.
But still some dudes out there are crazy like that.
I feel your pain bout havin to walk 20 blocks then have the cab driver try to get your digits, hilarious!!! I'm sure next time shall go better though.

JSADTheKing said...

thats funny and fucked up at the same time CA.

Sadiqua P said...

i read this, cracked up laughing, then took it upstairs and read it to my sister and mom, who cracked up laughing too! its only funny after the fact, i know, but goodness that is one of the worst dates i have ever heard in my life. i should write mines about the prison guard who showed up with a gun in his

ImDirtyBird said...

Oh Em Gee! Lmaooo When you got to the part where he was standing the nakie...I literally had to put my cell down and ctfu! shame!

I think we all may have dating horror stories,cause I know I've caught the bus home several nights after excusing myself to the bathroom....

C. Alexis said...

lmao Bird what do u think i did!!! he was too drunk to even absorb the insult