Someone call me a young priest and an old priest.

cuz this negrah is in need of some haysoose christo in his life. At least he opted for boxer-briefs this time.

I wonder whats going thru the cameraman's mind during all o this.

please prep for a plethora of KFC grilled chicken chest boys gettin it on 'n Poppaannnn with some new household furniture. Watch your back Eureka vacuum cleaner.




R.I.P. folding chair *tear* you will be missed.

I DONT DATE.

So my homegirl Quana and i were talkin about dating and i was letting her know that im not a "dater" So she's like "ahh so what you do, talk and text, thats wack" I'm like "girl no, but the last date i went on set me off the dating track about 40 miles"

why dont you all be the judge..

Last September my friend Nya and i went to a club in Brooklyn. (mistake # 1. I never club in Brooklyn but i didnt feel like drivin into the city) So we're dancing, holdin up the bar, looking cute, you know, the usual. Her homeboy comes up to her and they're talking and stuff and I peep his friend is a lil cutie! He seems cool. So when the club lets out he asked for my number, and im like "ah what the hell his people kno my people so what the deal. (mistake #2. i never ever give out my number. i always take theirs. damn absolut had me makin bad decisions)

From the night i gave him my number, he called. I mean everyday. We talked about everything there was to talk about. Past relationships, our jobs...everything. All the bases were covered. Now, i wasnt looking for anything in particular, because this wasnt that long after Brandon's death. I just needed a little company.

After 2 weeks of convo he hits me up one sunday night and asks if i wanna go out to eat. I had already eaten so he was like "aight we can get drinks and chill, whatev." so im like cool. i told him where i lived and he came for me (mistake # 3. i NEVER let people come get me. i always drive to wherever we got to go for myself. but alternate side parkin rules caused me to slip up. F u Bloomberg.)

Anyway, he shows up in his nice lil whip and im like ok where we goin, he says "applebees" im like ok cool there's like 3 applebees in bk so i kno i wont be out any where too late, i had to work the next morning.

So, this mofo starts drivin..and he gets on the belt parkway, which is cool, except he was goin in the opposite direction of applebees in BK. this fool is makin his way towards Long Island. So im like "ok Courts, just see where he's going" he drives us alllll the way to the 5 towns Applebees, which is a good 45 minutes from my house. So im already annoyed(lol). We get in there and he's like " u drinkin?" and im like na i have to work int he mornin. He goes ahh u no fun have a drink.

this fool orders 4...yes FOUR top shelf Long Island Iced Teas. i hate those. so im like umm im not drinkin that. You know, he sat there and drank all 4 of them str8 like it was kool aid? so im like "fuck this nigga bout to be drunk and im all the way in fuckin LI with no car shiiiiittt"

so im like aight take me home, cuz i figure if i can get him to take me back to bk before that shit set in he can kill himself on his way home.

he's like aight cool but lemme run to my crib quick, i live around the block. So im like aight just make it quick. (mistake #4. i shouldve stayed in applesbees and called a cab) While he's doin whateva it is he's doin, i say i gotta use the restroom and call the Loser. He wasnt answerin. So i left him a message like call me ASAP.

I come out the bathroom, which is connected to his room. and tell me WHYYY this nigga standin there BUTT ASS NAKED. talkin bout "boo lets talk." Im too busy standing there laughin at his micro erection that i dont notice him comin up to me. SO im like "umm yea we need to dip" but he already tryna grab on me, all slurring and shit. Im gettin madder and madder and he's gettin rougher and rougher. Finally i had enough and puched him in his face. He slumped over, and threw up all over his bed, and then proceeded to pass out.

ALL im thinkin about is let me get the FUCK outta here. So im grabbin my purse and shit. And im so mad. i went lookin for his car keys cuz i was definitely gonna drive myself home and then proceed to set his car on FIRE. anyway while im tryna gather myself the loser calls and i tell him whats goin down. He's mad as HELL and he tells me to get outta of there ASAP. So i rush out of there and start walkin back to the best of my memory. Im good. until i realize i cant read the street signs. I left my fuckin glasses in this freak's bathroom!!! i was so angry omg omg
i walked a good 20 blocks before i found a cab service. it had to be about 2am by now.
so on the ride and im venting to the cab driver and he's like damn ma thats fucked up and shit. So $40 later he pulls up to my house like "so, whats good with that number"...

Anyway. i was so upset the next day i stayed home with loser. So the freak has the AUDACITY to call me on some "why did u leave last night ?"shit. i was like "___________" oh hell fucking no. SO i remain calm and cool and was like "yea u played yourself and i need my glasses" lol

SO Loser tells Jack & Joe, and them fools are ready to KILL this guy. So Me, Loser, Jack & Joe drive back up there..and im like "yo come outside and give me my glases" this nigga comes to the storm door, pushes the glasses thru the mail slot and slams the door shut.

Thats the last i ever saw or heard from him.

and this, boys and girls, i why I DONT DATE.

50 years from Now...

I officially CANNOT STAND the NY Daily News for this bull shit.. LMFAOOOOO

your favorite stars 50 years from now....

BEYONCE

BRITNEY

JUSTIN

CHRIS "BEAT YOU DOWN" BROWN

RIHANNA

I Hate....

i need to air out some of the things i really hate.. here we go lol

-open-toe shoes worn with stockings.

- people over the age of 25 with Sidekicks.

-Manpris. If your going to wear shorts, wear shorts. If your going to wear long pants, wear long pants. THERE IS NO MIDDLE GROUND.

-The McDonalds on Avenue H. I swear everyone who works there is special. They move slow, forget your order..Just a mess.

-Girls who wear eyeshadow wrong.

-People who wear the exact outfit on a display mannequin. Now everyone knows its from H&M.

-Glasses with no lense.

-People who walk slow then abruptly stop on a busy street or in the train station.

-People who sit with their legs wide open on a crowded train, taking up 2 seats.

-Men who don't give their seats to elderly, pregnant or women with babies.

-People who yell into their cellphones.

-Sunglasses, giant pocketbooks/purses/hanbags, fur coats, & bluetooth headsets in the club

-People who sing a song mad loud with the wrong lyrics.

- When natural hair and weave dont match(texture, color, or both)

- people who drive slow, then speed up at the yellow causing you to be stuck at the light

-People who dont move to the back of th bus.

-When people act ghetto/loud/obnoxious in a public area.

-When people assume everyone in/from Brooklyn knows eachother.

-When you tell someone you're West Indian and they automatically think you're Jamaican or Haitian.

-When you go shopping and a person puts something down, and you pick it up, and they go back and pick up that same item because you did.

-When people stare at the menu forever at McDonalds.

-People who act extra in the club(throwin money *eye roll*, splitting)

-When you tell somebody youre gonna call them back and they call you 5 minutes later like, "why you aint call me back?"

-Leather bombers with cartoon characters on them.

-Overweight girls who tuck their shirts into their jeans and pull the belt so tight the gut hides the belt.

-People who feel the need to share what their shit is and how much it costs in pictures.

-People who listen to music/ringtones without headphones in public.

-Cracked, chapped, peeling lips.

-People who dont like something but do it or like it because you say you do.


LOL Sorry this list has been building..and will continue to grow.

F^#K You Punxsutauney Phil!!!

Do we REALLY need six more weeks of winter?

Who the hell is this mother fucker to tell me i gotta freeze my ass off until my birthday?

All because he saw his damn shadow. I see my shadow all the time, does that mean I'm going to have 6 more weeks of heartburn? Will i get paid extra for the next 6 weeks? NO. He sees his damn shadow and we all have to suffer. He didn't think we had enough winter to last us awhile already? It was about 39 degrees in MIAMI a week ago. But he wouldn't know that because he lives in a damn hole. Regardless of how cold it is he gonna be chillin in his chinchilla while I'm turning into a sexy Popsicle walking down Lexington Avenue...

So go F yourself Punxsutauney Phil.

GOSH