Monday, March 29, 2010


Lately, I've been asking myself a lot of questions that start with that very word. "HOW?"

How do you support someone you care about when they push you away at every open opportunity?

It IS hurtful when someone you love takes out their frustrations on you. Especially if you didn't do anything wrong, and all you want to do is be comforting.

As the type of person i am, i don't like to see the people i love and care about suffer. But at the same time, i cant just continue to be the doormat you rub your feet on after coming in from a storm.

When will people see that it's behavior like that that will push a good person away.. possibly forever?

I really wish the person that this was geared to could understand that their actions are slowly but surely making me want to X them out of my life forever..

Nothing i hate more than to be built up just to be let down.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Happy Birthday to Me.

I know i haven't blogged in a while. There are numerous reasons for neglect. I'm sorry.

BUT I'm back now!! *throws confetti*

I think this is a good time to blog because in about 5 minutes it will be my 22 BIRTHDAY.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm just thankful to see 22 years.... healthy and happy.

Its been a tough 22 years no doubt BUT.. they've been mine and every day makes me a little better. Don't you think?

Unlike my 21st, i don't have much planned for this birthday. Just going to take it nice and easy tomorrow.... go get a mani and a pedi, a facial.. get some stuff waxed LOL...

Friday night om going to Party Party PARTY!! Haven't done that in a while.

I'll be back to blogging regularly next week. I've got a lot to tell ya.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Why wait?

It's a shame that it takes someone to lose you to really value you. Especially when you put so much of yourself into that person, and they were reluctant to share their feelings with you is the reason you walked away.

So went my day today. Im not even going to name who im reffering to. But we met for lunch today because i went to see the doctor. He basically told me everything i wish i'd heard.... a year ago.

Too late, you think?

Actually, it was good to hear it. Even tho i've already moved on and have no intention of our relationship to EVER be what it was before.

I think he told me everything now more for his benefit than mine. Which is healthy. For the both of us. He can FULLY move on without these things on his chest, and i can move on without having to still wonder what was going thru his mine during the hard times.

Its a shame tho. Had he told me how he felt then, who knows where we'd be now?

I do believe everything happens for a reason.

He needs to grow more, and so do i.

Just another day.

Saturday, February 6, 2010

Been gone for a minute. Part 2

OK, now on to the juicy parts.

PD. *sigh* what a waste. Had all the looks and charm. He was perfect! But when it was time to put up or shut up, he could not keep up.

I hate when people make empty promises, and boy, did he make a lot of them. Not only that, he started to reveal a real selfish, spoiled side of him that i wasn't going to condone. He has a mother for that.

Anyhow, he called me one day, after weeks of 2 word BBMs all jolly and shit, and asked me if i was seeing anyone. So, me being the bitch i can be on certain days said "yes" (knowing damn well i wasn't) And he was like "oh okay cool, have you slept with him?"


if i did or didn't, why should you care? You haven't paid me an iota of attention for over 3 months boo boo...

So i said "yes i did, and recently at that". he got real quiet on the phone and then was like "oh I'm about to get my hair cut, I'll call you back"

thank goodness i didn't hold my breath.

SO about 3 days after my surgery he BBMs me saying he hopes im ok and i told him i was fine. But he has this ANNOYING habit of asking a question and when you reciprocate, he never replies. After that day i had enough. I basically told him that if he wasn't man enough to handle what I'd told him or be civil enough to have an adult conversation with me than he needed not be on my BBM list. and with the swipe and click via my thumb he was deleted from my contact list and my life.

Now, on to #4

I'm in love.

there, i said it.

But the crazy thing is, i think he's starting to fall too.

Since Christmas things have been soooooo good. it doesn't even make sense.

You probably all think I'm crazy for even bothering with him.. but hes changed. A LOT.

Who am i to not except change? he's so much more compassionate, loving, i see him so often, I've met more of his friends.

we talk now. that's what was missing before. it was all action and no talk. He's finally decided to let me in, and tell me how he really feels. I've been able to get more out of him in the past 2 months than i have in the 2 years that I've known him.

I was talking to a friend of mine who does relationship counseling about my situation with him. Ans she told me something that made a lot of sense.

She said maybe things went sour in the beginning because you both didn't trust each other. Which is true. I didn't trust him because i doubted him from the start.. i had the mindset that wasnt good enough, he cheat, things like that. and he didn't trust me for his own reasons. And this wasnt unknown to us, we told each other that we didn't trust one another. We both came from shitty past relationship situations. But over time he's realized that I'm not there to trap him, or for his money or status. I like him for who he is.

He told me the other day that when he's me he's always comfortable, calm and content. And i know that's a rarity for him because of the life he lives.

Sometimes i even save conversations we have because i think to myself there's no way this is the same guy from last year.

I'm happy. And for what its worth, I'm not banking on a relationship with him. what happens happens.

I think that was MY problem before. i was so gung ho about being "attached". That was doing nothing but setting me up for failure from jump street.

Say what you want about it, judge me, blah blah etc etc.. Frankly it doesn't matter.

I live my life for my happiness first. Other peoples opinions don't matter to me anymore.

“Be Who You Are and Say What You Feel Because Those Who Mind Don't Matter and Those Who Matter Don't Mind.”

Been gone for a minute. Part 1

*clears throat* HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

lol had to be late, you know i work on West Indian people time, which is a about 2 weeks behind CP time.

anyhow, Hi everyone! its been a while since I've blogged! i feel bad about it. I was actually thinking about blogging earlier this week, but of course something came up and prevented me from doing so.

So much has happened since i last posted. Let me see if i can give you a rundown:
  1. i had another surgery. A week ago today to be exact.
  2. left my job (don't worry, i wasn't fired. See reason #1)
  3. i got rid of PD. (I'll explain.)
  4. Newbs and I are speaking again (oh, i'll explain that too.)
Ok so lets see....where do i begin?

oh right. #1
can you believe its been 6 months since my last surgery ALREADY? yeah, me neither, time goes by when you're having fun. *snicker* But yes after multiple reschedules etc etc the good old doc took another chunk of my beloved right boob away *tear* BUT I'll be happy to announce that the problem area, the pigmentation that has plagued me for ALL of my life is GONEEEEE *does tootsie roll*

I cried like a big ass baby at my post op visit last Tuesday. It was beautiful.

Now all i need is for my 2 breasts to be the same size, and I'll be perfect. Again :-)

#2 The doctor kind of gave me an ultimatum when it was time for me to plan my surgery. you either A) have the surgery, go back to work after a week (which i did last time after he told me NOT to) get sick and have to have another unnecessary surgery to prevent what could've been prevented had i stayed my ass home or B) take a leave of absence and recovery properly.

I chose B. I even one upped him, and handed in my resignation. ALL of my co-workers were soo unhappy to see me go! but i had to. Whenever i was sick, i was never really off because they'd call for my help regarding things at work. that's part of the reason i went back to work so soon last time. But i said to myself this time "Self whens the last time you really REALLY took a break?" and self said "hmm good question"

SO as of right now I'm unemployed *GASP* lol but I'm not even stressing. my main focus right now is my health and recovery. I have money saved up (not to mention a real sexy tax return) that will cover my bills and expenses(or lack thereof) until I'm ready to work again

which will probably be soon. I'm not a homebody. At. ALL.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

ok, im back to normal again.

I really went off in my last post, didn't I?

Its amazing how angry you can be in the heat of an I'm not upset anymore. Thank goodness. I don't like the angry me.

I have been keeping my distance from the few men in my life that seem to be in heavy rotation as far as me being "situated". Technically, I'm not spoken for. But I do have feelings for each of them. And each set of feelings is completely different.

Luckily I'm not trying to make anything out of any of these "relationships". I'm completely going with the flo.

And NO, I'm not sleeping with any of them. That tends to mess things up. Lol.

The only thing I'm kind of afraid of is possibly falling for them. Yes, them. I mean, its possible. They all have different qualities and different things about them that I'm attracted to and that I like. They all offer something different.

As far as the new year goes, I'm not going to have any preconcieved notions about my relationship status. Its strictly going to be about me, my health and my happiness. Maybe more.

Who knows?

Saturday, December 12, 2009

are committed relationships dead?

What the hell does a woman have to do to find a man that

A) does not already have a relationship in progress

B) have baby mama drama

C) doesn't want to fuck every girl in the world?

I cant deal with men anymore. I'm like "okay, if i give so'n'so so much time then I'm bound to be in good, right?


Everybody wants SOMETHING. Whether its money, all sex and no commitment, to boss you around.,..SOMETHING. Like COME ON ALREADY.

I'm kinda over this whole cycle i find myself being constantly pulled into. I'm a good person. I try to stay clear of any type of drama. but for some reason these NIGGAS(yeah, i said it) keep finding me and try to dog me the FUCK out.

So you expect me to sleep with you, give you money, but we never do anything?

So you expect me to sleep with you, and when your "girl who's not really my girl but shes still my girl" is in town i just disappear like its nothing?

Do I Have some sort of sign on my damn forehead that attracts these assholes?

Its like i need to be the anti-Christ to get anywhere with these people. Im so over this whole relationship thing its not even funny

Things can go from sugar to shit in 0.05 seconds. And with that i am DONE.