How???

Lately, I've been asking myself a lot of questions that start with that very word. "HOW?"

How do you support someone you care about when they push you away at every open opportunity?

It IS hurtful when someone you love takes out their frustrations on you. Especially if you didn't do anything wrong, and all you want to do is be comforting.

As the type of person i am, i don't like to see the people i love and care about suffer. But at the same time, i cant just continue to be the doormat you rub your feet on after coming in from a storm.

When will people see that it's behavior like that that will push a good person away.. possibly forever?

I really wish the person that this was geared to could understand that their actions are slowly but surely making me want to X them out of my life forever..

Nothing i hate more than to be built up just to be let down.

♥

Happy Birthday to Me.

I know i haven't blogged in a while. There are numerous reasons for neglect. I'm sorry.

BUT I'm back now!! *throws confetti*

I think this is a good time to blog because in about 5 minutes it will be my 22 BIRTHDAY.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm just thankful to see 22 years.... healthy and happy.

Its been a tough 22 years no doubt BUT.. they've been mine and every day makes me a little better. Don't you think?

Unlike my 21st, i don't have much planned for this birthday. Just going to take it nice and easy tomorrow.... go get a mani and a pedi, a facial.. get some stuff waxed LOL...

Friday night om going to Party Party PARTY!! Haven't done that in a while.

I'll be back to blogging regularly next week. I've got a lot to tell ya.

♥

Why wait?

It's a shame that it takes someone to lose you to really value you. Especially when you put so much of yourself into that person, and they were reluctant to share their feelings with you is the reason you walked away.

So went my day today. Im not even going to name who im reffering to. But we met for lunch today because i went to see the doctor. He basically told me everything i wish i'd heard.... a year ago.

Too late, you think?

Actually, it was good to hear it. Even tho i've already moved on and have no intention of our relationship to EVER be what it was before.

I think he told me everything now more for his benefit than mine. Which is healthy. For the both of us. He can FULLY move on without these things on his chest, and i can move on without having to still wonder what was going thru his mine during the hard times.

Its a shame tho. Had he told me how he felt then, who knows where we'd be now?

I do believe everything happens for a reason.

He needs to grow more, and so do i.

Just another day.

♥

Been gone for a minute. Part 2

OK, now on to the juicy parts.

PD. *sigh* what a waste. Had all the looks and charm. He was perfect! But when it was time to put up or shut up, he could not keep up.

I hate when people make empty promises, and boy, did he make a lot of them. Not only that, he started to reveal a real selfish, spoiled side of him that i wasn't going to condone. He has a mother for that.

Anyhow, he called me one day, after weeks of 2 word BBMs all jolly and shit, and asked me if i was seeing anyone. So, me being the bitch i can be on certain days said "yes" (knowing damn well i wasn't) And he was like "oh okay cool, have you slept with him?"

*blink*

if i did or didn't, why should you care? You haven't paid me an iota of attention for over 3 months boo boo...

So i said "yes i did, and recently at that". he got real quiet on the phone and then was like "oh I'm about to get my hair cut, I'll call you back"

thank goodness i didn't hold my breath.

SO about 3 days after my surgery he BBMs me saying he hopes im ok and i told him i was fine. But he has this ANNOYING habit of asking a question and when you reciprocate, he never replies. After that day i had enough. I basically told him that if he wasn't man enough to handle what I'd told him or be civil enough to have an adult conversation with me than he needed not be on my BBM list. and with the swipe and click via my thumb he was deleted from my contact list and my life.

Now, on to #4

I'm in love.

there, i said it.

But the crazy thing is, i think he's starting to fall too.

Since Christmas things have been soooooo good. it doesn't even make sense.

You probably all think I'm crazy for even bothering with him.. but hes changed. A LOT.

Who am i to not except change? he's so much more compassionate, loving, i see him so often, I've met more of his friends.

we talk now. that's what was missing before. it was all action and no talk. He's finally decided to let me in, and tell me how he really feels. I've been able to get more out of him in the past 2 months than i have in the 2 years that I've known him.

I was talking to a friend of mine who does relationship counseling about my situation with him. Ans she told me something that made a lot of sense.

She said maybe things went sour in the beginning because you both didn't trust each other. Which is true. I didn't trust him because i doubted him from the start.. i had the mindset that wasnt good enough, he cheat, things like that. and he didn't trust me for his own reasons. And this wasnt unknown to us, we told each other that we didn't trust one another. We both came from shitty past relationship situations. But over time he's realized that I'm not there to trap him, or for his money or status. I like him for who he is.

He told me the other day that when he's me he's always comfortable, calm and content. And i know that's a rarity for him because of the life he lives.

Sometimes i even save conversations we have because i think to myself there's no way this is the same guy from last year.

I'm happy. And for what its worth, I'm not banking on a relationship with him. what happens happens.

I think that was MY problem before. i was so gung ho about being "attached". That was doing nothing but setting me up for failure from jump street.

Say what you want about it, judge me, blah blah etc etc.. Frankly it doesn't matter.

I live my life for my happiness first. Other peoples opinions don't matter to me anymore.

“Be Who You Are and Say What You Feel Because Those Who Mind Don't Matter and Those Who Matter Don't Mind.”

♥

Been gone for a minute. Part 1

*clears throat* HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

lol had to be late, you know i work on West Indian people time, which is a about 2 weeks behind CP time.

anyhow, Hi everyone! its been a while since I've blogged! i feel bad about it. I was actually thinking about blogging earlier this week, but of course something came up and prevented me from doing so.

So much has happened since i last posted. Let me see if i can give you a rundown:

1. i had another surgery. A week ago today to be exact.
2. left my job (don't worry, i wasn't fired. See reason #1)
3. i got rid of PD. (I'll explain.)
4. Newbs and I are speaking again (oh, i'll explain that too.)

Ok so lets see....where do i begin?

oh right. #1

can you believe its been 6 months since my last surgery ALREADY? yeah, me neither, time goes by when you're having fun. *snicker* But yes after multiple reschedules etc etc the good old doc took another chunk of my beloved right boob away *tear* BUT I'll be happy to announce that the problem area, the pigmentation that has plagued me for ALL of my life is GONEEEEE *does tootsie roll*

I cried like a big ass baby at my post op visit last Tuesday. It was beautiful.

Now all i need is for my 2 breasts to be the same size, and I'll be perfect. Again :-)

#2 The doctor kind of gave me an ultimatum when it was time for me to plan my surgery. you either A) have the surgery, go back to work after a week (which i did last time after he told me NOT to) get sick and have to have another unnecessary surgery to prevent what could've been prevented had i stayed my ass home or B) take a leave of absence and recovery properly.

I chose B. I even one upped him, and handed in my resignation. ALL of my co-workers were soo unhappy to see me go! but i had to. Whenever i was sick, i was never really off because they'd call for my help regarding things at work. that's part of the reason i went back to work so soon last time. But i said to myself this time "Self whens the last time you really REALLY took a break?" and self said "hmm good question"

SO as of right now I'm unemployed *GASP* lol but I'm not even stressing. my main focus right now is my health and recovery. I have money saved up (not to mention a real sexy tax return) that will cover my bills and expenses(or lack thereof) until I'm ready to work again

which will probably be soon. I'm not a homebody. At. ALL.

ok, im back to normal again.

I really went off in my last post, didn't I?

Its amazing how angry you can be in the heat of an argument.lol. I'm not upset anymore. Thank goodness. I don't like the angry me.

I have been keeping my distance from the few men in my life that seem to be in heavy rotation as far as me being "situated". Technically, I'm not spoken for. But I do have feelings for each of them. And each set of feelings is completely different.

Luckily I'm not trying to make anything out of any of these "relationships". I'm completely going with the flo.

And NO, I'm not sleeping with any of them. That tends to mess things up. Lol.

The only thing I'm kind of afraid of is possibly falling for them. Yes, them. I mean, its possible. They all have different qualities and different things about them that I'm attracted to and that I like. They all offer something different.

As far as the new year goes, I'm not going to have any preconcieved notions about my relationship status. Its strictly going to be about me, my health and my happiness. Maybe more.

Who knows?

♥

are committed relationships dead?

What the hell does a woman have to do to find a man that

A) does not already have a relationship in progress

B) have baby mama drama

C) doesn't want to fuck every girl in the world?

I cant deal with men anymore. I'm like "okay, if i give so'n'so so much time then I'm bound to be in good, right?

NO.

Everybody wants SOMETHING. Whether its money, all sex and no commitment, to boss you around.,..SOMETHING. Like COME ON ALREADY.

I'm kinda over this whole cycle i find myself being constantly pulled into. I'm a good person. I try to stay clear of any type of drama. but for some reason these NIGGAS(yeah, i said it) keep finding me and try to dog me the FUCK out.

So you expect me to sleep with you, give you money, but we never do anything?

So you expect me to sleep with you, and when your "girl who's not really my girl but shes still my girl" is in town i just disappear like its nothing?

Do I Have some sort of sign on my damn forehead that attracts these assholes?

Its like i need to be the anti-Christ to get anywhere with these people. Im so over this whole relationship thing its not even funny

Things can go from sugar to shit in 0.05 seconds. And with that i am DONE.

Time flies...

So its already December. Wow. Where the hell did 2009 go?

Personally I don't mind watching the bitch go. 2009 was a year for the books. And not in a good way. Between breakups, illness and funerals I couldn't catch a break!!!

I'm not gonna be cliche and say "2010 is gonna be my year" because well, frankly I don't know if it really is. I'm going to try and make the best of the coming year. This includes completing surgery, returning to school full time and keeping far away from shitty ass males.

That last one is going to be tricky. Not because I don't WANT to(we've all seen my track record....I need to) but because no one is who they really are until about 6 months to 2 years into a relationship lol.

I started seeing someone new.. Shut up.

I don't plan these things! They just happen.

Pd is pretty freakin awesome. But in the back of my mind I can hear the tiny tick tock the let down clock counting down.

Maybe I shouldn't. Blah.

♥

So i'm a little bored...

I have time to kill.. so why not do one of these questionnaire thingys?

ok, here goes.

1. What is the color of your toothbrush? Purple
2. Name one person who made you smile today. Jada
3. What were you doing at 8 am this morning? Washing my hair
4. What were you doing 45 minutes ago? Checking my email
5. What is your favorite candy bar? Twix
6. Have you ever been to a strip club? Once.
7. What is the last thing you said aloud? 'I'm In the living room'
8. What is your favorite ice cream? Butter Pecan
9. What was the last thing you had to drink? Cranberry Grape juice
10. Do you like your wallet? Yes, it has my life organized into nice little slots :-)
11. What was the last thing you ate? A handful of Cap'n Crunch
12. Have you bought any new clothing items this week? 2 tops and a skirt
13. The last sporting event you watched? Lakers/Heat game last night
14. What is your favorite flavor of popcorn? Caramel Corn.
15. Who is the last person you sent a text message to? Vic
16. Ever go camping? A few times at sleep away camp
17. Do you take vitamins daily? Absolutely.
18. Do you go to church every Sunday? Occasionally
19. Do you have a tan? Nope. I'm dark enough lol
20. Do you prefer Chinese food over pizza? Chinese, im lactose intolerant.
21. Do you drink your soda with a straw? Yea. I think drinking from a bottle or a can isnt ladylike
22. What did your last text message say? ...'Do you see the snow'
23. What are you doing tomorrow? Sleep and nothing.
24. Favorite color? Purple
25. Look to your left; what do you see? A laptop case and an iPod.
26. What color is your watch? Havent worn one in 3 years
27. What do you think of when you hear “Australia”? My Nana
28. Would you strip for money? No..for fun? yes. LOL
29. Do you go in a fast food place or just hit the drive thru? Drive Thru
30. What is your favorite number? 25
31. Who’s the last person you talked to on the phone? Reggie
32. Any plans today? Might go out tonight, well see
33. In how many states have you lived? 3
34. Biggest annoyance right now? Not being able to take a lengthy vacation
35. Last song listened to? Winter Song- Sara Borealis
36. Can you say the alphabet backwards? Yep
37. Do you have a maid service clean your house? Yea but she's not from a service lol
38. Favorite pair of shoes you wear all the time? During the day? Uggs. Ultimate comfort
39. Are you jealous of anyone? No, cant think of anyone
40. Is anyone jealous of you? Probably not
41. Do you love anyone? Yep, lots
42. Do any of your friends have children? A few of them do
43. What do you usually do during the day? Work. Hard
44. Do you hate anyone that you know right now? I did, but not anymore
45. Do you use the word hello daily? Does 'Hi' count? if so, yes.
46. What color is your car? Blue
47. What size wedding ring do you wear? I'm a 6
48. Are you thinking about someone right now? Yes i am...
49. Have you ever been to Six Flags? I cant even count how many times lol
50. How did you get your worst scar? Surgery. Emotional scars are a whole nother story...

that was easy.

Ok so Newbs decided to show his ass, again.

Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

I don't think there is enough space for me, him and his ego in a relationship, unless its on a hi and bye level.

When you're not treated up to par you tend to not realize when there is that big ass neon sign saying DON'T DO IT YOU IDIOT! Because you're caught up in the moment. Well, at least that's my excuse.

I'm not even going to go on about how much I hate him blah blah blah because you've all heard it before. But just as I managed to maintain 50 feet in my relationship with the loser, newbs is slitherin his way into that lane.

I guess the saying "maybe god sends us bad guys so when we get a good one we can be thankful" is t r u e.

As of now I'm chillin. PD and I are cool, which is nice. So I'm not alone. Remember, there is a difference between alone and lonely.

We're going on a first "date" later this week(lol) I'll let you guys know how that goes.

♥

oye.

Ok so its been...idk almost 2 weeks since newbs decided to reappear.

And he won't go away.

This has caused for me to sit and try to figure out...what is it that he wants?

Its not like my love wasn't the ishhh...(Lol) but he can get lovin anywhere. Why is he bothering me?

And to add to that. PD, the old/new thang is such a doll. But when I'm at work, he's free and vice versa. So we really don't get to see eachother a lot.

He's one of those guys that you kinda dream about. Real affectionate and all that other hodge podge. But then again, so was Newbs in the beginning.

There are nights where I find myself ignoring the both of them. Because I find myself in dack overload. The phone calls, bbms, pictures. (LORD the PICTURES) can be a bit overwhelming at times.

Maybe its because i was so used to only Loser or No one approaching me, this is all new to me.

I think I can handle it.

The only thing that I'm trying to get a hold onto is my Ever present attraction to newbs and my newly developed attraction to PD.

What the HELL am I to do?!? *pulls hair*

♥

hold the damn presses!

So yesterday was going just fine and dandy until right after I blogged. My phone vibrated and I figured it was a bbm so I disregarded it until I was finished some paperwork.why when I looked to see who it was it was a text. From NEWBS.

Yes, the same Newbs who I said I was done with because he chose a very inappropriate time to disrespect me.

Yes, the same Newbs who I haven't spoken to since October 1st, the night we had that dispute in my car.

He had the nerve to hit me up like everything was peaches and damn cream. I couldn't believe it. Then had the nerve to say "I still feel some kind of way" yea? Cuz I told you you weren't shit or cuz I said I don't want to love someone like you, who disregards my feelings to prove a point.

I asked him if he wanted to talk any problems he had out with me, because last time I checked I wasn't a fuckin mind reader. Let me know how u feel. I don't assume.

I'm still waiting to hear from him. I honestly hope he knows I don't plan on waiting forever. I all but told him out relationship can cease where it stands.

I have no problem moving on with my life.

♥

keepin u current

So I've been thinkin about moving off on my own. Way from most of the family to Manhattan. Yes the big cityyyy.

in other news. I've been dreamin a lot about Newbs (aka Assholus Majorous) lately. I don't know if maybe my heart is trying to drop my mind hints. Yea I miss him, but that motherfucker will have to seek me out and beg for my forgiveness before I will even TALK to his ass. Hmmphf. Let he try wid duh!

This rain has made me want t cuff like crazy!

(Cuff, Cuffin: means to be boo'd up for all you non-New Yorkers)

I've been enjoyin thecompany of my old/new friend. I'm not looking for anything, and neither is he which is PERFECT. We talk and enjoy eachother company. Which is refreshing.

P.S. Halloween is saturday. I will get to wear my costume from last year. Didn't have it on for long if u catch my drift lol.

♥

hmm

Lately I've been trying to think of what I plan to change about myself/ my life in the coming year. To be honest with you all, 2009 couldn't end fast enough for me. Its been such a TRYING year to say the least.

Between new life, death, surgery, loves found and lost... It was a rollercoaster. But I digress.

I was able to fulfill my resolution from last year and made 2009 my year to strictly do me. If I wanted it done I did it. Even if I didn't succeed(which was a rare occuance) I can honestly say that I tried. I did a complete personal revamp and I must say that I'm happy with the new me.


As far as 2010 goes, my 2 main goals are to finish surgery and go back to school *crosses fingers*

In reference to my love/personal life, I'm not going to make any plans in particular. I'm just going to ride the wave. I'm 21 for crying out loud! Lol. If love comes my way, great. But I'm sure as hell not going to go look for that bitch, let it find me. Lol

Let's see how this goes.

♥

My aunt passed 4am this morning after battling breast cancer for two years. It was so hard for me to see my grandmother, whose birthday was yesterday hear that she was ill. My family has had to bury 5 members this year.


Every morning I wake up and wonder if the day ahead will be better or worse than the day before.

My health is in better shape, but my heart is heavy. I'm tired. I put on a smile everyday even when I want to cry. I know that there's someone out there that has it worse than I do. I wish I could meet them so I can ask how they do it.

For all you women ages 35 and up PLEASE GO GET YOUR MAMMOGRAM! Early detction saves lives. Don't be afraid. Because when its too late, its too late.

If you need any information regarding being screened, feel free to contact me.

its been a while....

I'm still alive and kickin blog world. I haven't blogged in 2 months. I've been so busy. Between work and my personal life. A lot has changed in such a short period of time I've really had to sit and evaluate the path that I was taking and whether it was the right one for me.

I lost an aunt to terminal cancer at the beginning of the month. And today I found out that another aunt that has breast cancer is in hospice.

Newbs and are officially over. I can tell you all this because we haven't spoken in over 2 weeks. He chose a very inappropriate time to disrespect me after we had a minor argument in my car. I love that man to pieces. But I refuse to let him think that he can treat me like shit to get his point across. If he was willing to let a good woman like me walk away because of his own cockiness and selfish pride than so be it.

I've moved on from him. I cried and so on. Then someone came around and has been treating me so well I can say that I believe that maybe newbs was a building block for my confidence. He wasn't the finishline, just a checkpoint.

Recently I've realized how many people I've let take advantage of my kindness. This revelation doesn't necessarily mean that I'm not going to continue to be who I am and always give 1000%. It just means that I now know what I honesty deserve and what I am too good to have to deal with.

Everyday is a challenge. And everyday I look forward to completing whatever task is at hand. Because I could be off way worse than I am.

Until tomorrow... ♥

A little update

OK so i know that I've been MIA for a while and i apologize dearly. Its just that I've been really really busy. But I've been around and I've kept saying that I'm going to blog. So I'll do it now while the office is quiet.

So far I've been recovering well from my surgeries. I've yet to make a follow up with my PS but i will in due time. I still get pains every now and then but i usually hot water treat them and I'm good to go. I'm not too fond of pills anymore lol.

I've been hitting the gym like a maniac. I'm talking 5 days a week, for about 3 hours a day. Yeah, I'm that determined to get not only my mid, but my body right as well.

Lets not forget about how IN LOVE i am. With Newbs(newbie's new name) Like i really love him. And he knows. And we're cool with that lol. I try to spend as much time with him as possible because I'm always busy and he's always busy, but i love the time we have together. no matter if its at 2am or 2 pm.

Loser is still around. that's still my BFF. no matter what. But lately our friendship has been a lil bleh. we still hang, but i feel like were getting distant. but at this point in my life i refuse to chase someone for any reason but my own happiness. and I'm happy. truly, genuinely happy with where i am right now.

On another note. Yesterday was the anniversary of Brandon's death. and i was such a zombie. i kept having dreams about the night i found out he died. so i tried to keep myself as busy as possible.

But back to the happy tunes: i cant believe the summer is over! I mean, i spent most of it sick and shut in, so i guess i couldnt of expected it to wait for me to get better lol. I did enjoy the time i did use recreationally tho.

Well, that i'l im going to blabber about for now...Until later everyone.

♥

NY Craigslist..oye

OK, its been a while since I've posted ANYTHING, let alone a good ole NY CL men seeking women ad. I stumbled upon this scholar and my eyes sprang tears from the beauty of his writing

Harvard Scholarship Recipient game proper.

Lets see how many grammatical errors one can make. Follow along children:

Whats next girls with bullethole's and stabe Wounds? - 30 (Brooklyn)

I've Posted a few times on Cl and Got some creepy Women replying To my ad.I'm not saying I'm god's gift to Women or it's all about looks,but be realistic When replying to me. I'm Not Looking for a( Interacial relationship) I like women who share many of the same cultural values,psyical traits and Experieances as myself.No I'm not Racist so if your a White nationalist Nut or some Minority with a bad addituide keep it to your self I don't care what You have to say.I'm not into BBW,BIG,THICK or what ever you want to call it. I perfere Petite or athletic Builds and Women with in my age demograpic Having said all That .I'm looking to meet a Mature,Grounded Woman,but at the same time someone who is not To pretentious and is very much down to Earth.I feel it's very Healthy to have a partner someone Whose Got my back when things are good or Bad and I do the same for them.I'm not Interested in one night stands(Well, maybe If your really Hot and can help move me up the socio ecconomic ladder) Hahha.I would like to get married and have kids one day,but Hey It would even be great to just meet someone Who I can learn from and Grow with That shares a Attraction with one another.I'm trying Not to be To serious about Things Because Good things come and go out of our lives . I had the beauitfull girlfriend,but she was To Psycho and even made me a little Psycho. I had The Hot shot Job,but Got Laid off due the Eccomeny.Now I'm Working 10 hours more a week at a Job I'm over Quilified for just To make a living that is not laughiable. I try not to be To pridefull or to serious these days Because I want To Enjoy life and What it has To offer.I don't mean partying,Drinking or Clubbing I hate that stuff. I mean Learning,Evolving,Building meaningfull relationships with people.I'm a Guy whose had a very colorful past and has Lots of Crazzy stories To tell.My Experieances are what give me a certian insite,stranth and Drive To deal with and over comethings. so, If you like what you see or just want to know more Drop me a line with a picture and I will get back to you




Instead of searching for a woman, he needs to be searching for a tutor. And he was goin in too.. For shame.

Im BAAaaaAaAaCk!

whew enough of all these somber ass posts I'm back to being good ole C. A.

*waits for applause to end*

::side note:: every time i see the word applause i think apple sauce LOL


Anyways... Ive been recuperating from my surgery i had done 2 weeks ago. And boy did them drugs have me like one of my clients! lmao i was half sleep half slurring all over the damn place.

But the swelling is going down, and ive decided to step away from the Valium & percocets *temporary sad face* lol.

Everything on the other hand is going...aight.. me and the "boo" going thru a lil rough patch right now, but im willing to put in the effort to make it work. But if he acts up my ass is GONE. Its July. 'Tis the season to not being crying over no man. Its the season to get my sexy on. * looks down @ flat tummy with a SMILE* LOL


p.s omg i did my passport and that shit is so thick now you can slice bread with the damn pages LAWD. But my pic is rather ravishing.. compared to that horrid ass driver license pic im stil walkin around with lololol

ok im done chatting for now. ttyl. *besos*

One Day at a Time..

so its been 3 weeks since my loss.. and i must admit im doing alot better. Better than i expected to be doing. Ive finally come out of my house. Im working again..

I even planned a trip to Jamaica.

i figured that harping on the situation wont change the outcome, so i had to pick myself up and move on.

Me and my baby are still holding on strong.

Im even having my surgery done this saturday. Its all one big staircase that im determind to reach the top of.

Thanks to everybody who showed me support over these last couple of weeks. As much as i thought i needed to go thru it along, sometimes you just need that shoulder, advice, or ear to cheer you on to victory

:-)